This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2010, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

From now on, I want to be called Brigham Kirby. I realize this is a major inconvenience for you, but it's important. I need to upgrade my image.

I decided on the name tweak as part of a campaign to convince you that what you'll be getting in this column is more theologically sound. Around here, "Brigham" has a nice authoritative ring. I'm hoping it will resonate with the public.

It's called rebranding. Instead of "Robert Kirby" or "that stupid #%@&! in the Tribune " -- which , let's be honest, doesn't exactly inspire reader confidence -- I'll be Brigham Kirby or "that guy with something serious to say."

Truthfully, though, you'll be getting the same stuff. I'm not smart enough to improve the content of this column. I'm only smart enough to think you're stupid enough to fool.

No offense, but it happens all the time. Kentucky Fried Chicken recently rebranded itself as "Kentucky Grilled Chicken," the idea being that the word "fried" is synonymous with "coronary infarction."

It won't happen overnight, of course. But the KGC corporate hope is that eventually consumers will start thinking, "Hey, let's go get a 65-piece bucket of that healthy grilled chicken."

I don't mean to pick on KFC/KGC. Not entirely. Rebranding has been around a long time. I first noticed it when my breakfast cereals started changing their names.

It was back when processed sugar, which fueled American school kids, suddenly became bad for us. Conscientious moms started thinking, "Wow, do I really want my child going to school stoked on this much sugar?"

The correct answer, of course, was, "Hell, yes!" Honestly, how did parents think we paid attention during something that boring? At least they could drink coffee.

Sugar Smacks was the first one I noticed to drop the word. Suddenly, the bear in the commercial stopped singing, "Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp, Sugar Crisp..."

Sugar Crisp became Golden Crisp. Kellogg's Sugar Corn Pops became just Corn Pops, and Sugar Smacks (a personal favorite) became Honey Smacks.

I was certainly no chemist or even a nutritionist, but I failed to notice any change in taste or even buzz. Today, I doubt there's much actual honey in Honey Smacks, probably just enough to keep from being sued for fraudulent advertising.

Food isn't the only substance being rebranded. BP, whose leaky well turned the Gulf of Mexico into the world's biggest deep fat fryer, is looking at rebranding. They'll probably go with something comfy, such as, oh, maybe "British Pure."

Sometimes the rebranding is just a subtle tweak of the name. A couple of years ago, the LDS Church tried rebranding by asking the media to stop calling us "Mormons" and start referring to the church as the "Church of JESUS CHRIST! of Latter-day Saints" (exclamation mark mine). The rebrand attempt was quietly dropped when no one paid any attention to it.

The same thing will happen to me. It's only fair. No matter how much smarter I insist on being regarded, the truth is you're still going to get the same old non-nutritional stuff.

Robert Kirby

can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com.