This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

There are two possible explanations for why the White House daily newsletter included my piece about the budget, a piece composed almost entirely of onomatopoeic noises (PEW PEW! GRRRRRRRR!) typed out in all caps. Either they read it and loved it, especially the part where I wrote that all schoolchildren will be taught by an F-35 in a Make America Great Again hat, or they ... did not read it, but liked the headline, "Trump's budget makes perfect sense and will fix America, and I will tell you why"!

I'm fine with either, honestly. I agree that my articles are much worse if you click on them.

This reminds me of those movie trailers that manage to cite only a single word from a review ("Extreme" — LA Times) in such a way that you wonder how the word was used in context.

I was as surprised as anyone to discover that I was Real News. Here I thought that I was toiling away in the Dank Cesspool of the Mainstream Media, but all along I was a Trusted News Source, just like Breitbart.com! I just needed to BELIEVE in myself more.

The White House believes in me, and the White House is not full of careless people who skim headlines looking for the ones that sound sort of positive and then send them out in their daily briefing newsletter hoping for the best haaa ha ha nope ha ha these are the minds who control war and peace and the budget and things ha ha ha it's fine ha ha oh god help.

I honestly thought that, no matter the headline, there was no way that anyone could think this piece was anything other than me yelling at the budget for a number of paragraphs — the last words were "RAW POWER! HARD RAW POWER GRRRRRR HISSS POW!" — but I have always overestimated people's desire to read things I write. But the White House, as Noel Coward once said of himself, can take any amount of criticism so long as it is unadulterated praise.

This is 2017 in a nutshell: You start with what you think is obviously a joke, and then a few days later it is being sent out from the White House.

Here is some more good correct news! Please, keep reading! Or, er, start reading.

"The true, correct story of what happened at Donald Trump's inauguration."

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