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Paul Rolly: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Utah style

Published December 22, 2011 1:17 pm
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2011, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

Not a creature was stirring, except the speaker's spouse.

As a lobbyist he did his networking with care,

In hopes that fundraisers soon would be there.

House members were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of contributors danced in their heads.

Becky Lockhart in her 'kerchief, hubby Stan in his cap

had put the finishing touches on the redistricting map.

While out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

They sprang from their caucus to see what was the matter.

The Republican members awoke from their sleep,

Fearing it might be some Democrat creep.

The moon's reflection on the Capitol dome

lit up the hills where phantom wolves roam.

When, what did all their wondering eyes see,

A limo, carrying Mike "SuperPACman" Lee.

"Whatever fundraisers you have in mind,

Remember all the money is mine."

He said those words while toting a bag,

but instead of toys, it held campaign swag.

He explained he had changed in a telephone booth,

from a mild conservative to a king-making sleuth.

With unlimited cash to be spread to right-wingers,

Lee would surround himself with tea party humdingers.

Then he would be most important of all,

The Koch brothers would anoint him king of the ball.

While the FEC has said "no superPAC,"

Lee would put the question on a different track.

He has connections on the high court, you see.

He even was Samuel Alito's flunky.

They'll grant his wish for a superPAC, though rare,

As long as Judge Thomas' wife gets her share.

Then he can put the jolly old elf to shame,

By scattering the gifts all in "Super" Lee's name.

The best part is the donors are unknown,

Helping Lee become a Huey Long clone.

But what of all the good girls and boys?

Will no one deliver them shiny new toys?

"If you're talking of Santa," said Lee, flicking his wrist.

"He's nothing but a big socialist."

Besides, said Lee, with great resolution,

Gifts to the masses violate the Constitution.

He didn't say where the document said that,

But he assured everyone he's got that down pat.

The Lockharts worried what their members would get.

What if their Christmas lists all went unmet?

Would Becky be re-elected as speaker?

Or would someone else beat her in a Republican squeaker?

After all, Carl Wimmer wants his very own seat,

To sit next to Chaffetz and twitter and tweet.

Chris Herrod too wants a job with eclat,

But he might settle for a Paul Revere hat.

Ken Sumsion wants to be the top dog,

But Patrick Henry might think he's a hog.

Steven Sandstrom wants a place on the fountain,

But if he doesn't get Congress he could go climb a mountain.

And what about all those folks in the Senate?

Not the ones who were former colleagues of Bob Bennett.

The ones who pass state laws along with the Reps.

As long as they follow all the right steps.

For Mike Waddoups a bat named Carrie Nation,

So, like her, he can smash up houses of libation.

Howard Stephenson will rid us of what he calls fools,

With tax-funded support for his own private schools.

For Margaret Dayton, a long-range shotgun,

To kill invasive wolves, but not just for fun.

For Peter Knudsen, his very own jurist,

To pardon his friends when they're found not to be purists.

But to SuperPACMan that was not his concern,

He told Becky Lockhart she has much to learn.

She didn't get the rules of the tea party.

"It's all for one, and that one is me!"



Correction: The user names of the Wikipedia page creators for several local politicians were listed incorrectly in Wednesday's column. The user names of creators of the pages for Ralph Becker, Carl Wimmer and Peter Corroon are Ta bu shi da yu, Longhornfan1492 and JonMoore, respectively.






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