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Hax: Ex-girlfriend is still involved in his life

Published April 21, 2012 1:01 am
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • I began dating someone about three months ago. Things are going really well (we're 30). My problem is that his ex is very intertwined in his life. They broke up about a year and a half ago, his decision, after dating three years, and have remained friends. They have close mutual friends (some of whom are also my close friends ... that's how we met), and his mom, brother, aunts, uncles and cousins are her Facebook friends, post on her wall, etc. I know there's nothing going on between them, but I also know she still has feelings for him. Needless to say, she comes up in conversations ... normally his comparing me to her. It's always in my favor, but it annoys me. Plus, she's always around when we go out with the mutual friends. She's made a few comments about their intimate history — as a joke, but still. I am divorced, and I can tell you that nobody I know will compare him to my ex (or at least not aloud). I don't want to tell him whom he can and can't be friends with. Plus, I feel for her, since it has to be difficult to see your ex with someone else. Is this something I just need to deal with? I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?

His Ex is Still Around

Dear Still Around • No, your complaints seem reasonable — and your willingness to accept fault is clearly well-developed. But you do sound impatient. This relationship is only three months old, and it was born into awkward circumstances; it's possible all your complaints are about temporary byproducts of that awkwardness. For example, it's natural for someone to make comparisons with someone new after a long time with someone else. And, maybe she's making jokes in a misguided attempt to save face. If it is just about awkwardness, then time will kill the novelty pretty soon. If instead your guy is egging things on versus backing you up, or if you reach a point where your proximity to the ex should be old news but is still the object of snark, then feel free to point out to him that it all has gotten really old. His reaction to that will likely make any decisions for you. If things are healthy between you, though, then it won't degrade to that point.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.






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