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Rolly: 'Twas the night before Christmas in Utah

Published December 24, 2012 10:29 am
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

No Democrat was stirring, for most had been doused.

Redistricting, you see, wiped out the minority,

In hopes that more Repubs could achieve their seniority.

House members were nestled all snug in their desks,

With visions of Jazz tickets and other largesse.

The speaker had already doled out her PAC dough

And committee assignments, for friends, not for foe.

And Santa was scheduled to make his appearance

At the Capitol Rotunda where there is a big clearance.

The members all gathered to pick up their gifts,

From lobbyists, too, who entered in shifts.

The requests had been made and a list was compiled.

Compared to past years, though, this one was mild.

Ethics laws resulted in lower-priced presents,

to please the moralists who cared for the peasants

Still, hopes were high that Santa would come through,

After all, he wore red, not that bad liberal blue.

The color of his suit meant that he understood

Helping the in-crowd could be nothing but good.

For Rep. Curtis Oda, a 30-round clip

To eradicate cats with one trigger flip.

Rep. Melvin Brown had his own wish list,

To again be the speaker, then a lobbyist.

Lawmaker Keith Grover seemed oddly alone.

The only Pat Henry rep left to bemoan.

The other four heroes, as they saw themselves,

sought higher office, but now they're mere elves.

To make poor Keith happy, a gift to cheer all.

His own Grover Norquist bobble-head doll

To mount on his desk so everyone sees

That he hates taxes from his neck to his knees.

For Rep. Mike Noel a load of manure

To dump on environmentalists from SUWA.

Also, farm subsidies to keep him ahead,

Even though they come from that evil Fed.

Over in the Senate they had lists for St. Nick,

Which they could send out online with a tiny mouse click.

Most of the reps would like to see power,

shifted from the governor, in his ivory tower.

It still sort of bugs them that they had to see

the judgeship of that woman, who was so uppity.

They tried to dispatch her, if you might recall,

for she'd helped land owners, the ones who were small.

That got in the way of some senators' plans

to make lots of money by condemning their lands.

And when their committee gave her the thumbs down

That defiant Gov. Herbert brought her back around.

But Santa already had given them cheer,

They can override vetoes the governor may bear.

Though there may be less call for Herbert's submission,

Now that President Waddoups will go on a mission.

The Eagle Forum will still be a player,

Led by Gayle Ruzicka, the moderate slayer.

Perhaps sex ed will be back on the table,

With debate dominated by myth and by fable.

For Senator Dayton a spread for her bed,

Made from a wolf, complete with its head.

For Senator Madsen a holster to store,

So his gun doesn't fall on the Senate floor.

For Senator Stephenson, his own private school,

And if he could get vouchers, that would make him drool.

And for Senator Reid legislation anew,

to close any meeting from public view.

So the lawmakers gathered expecting great cheer,

They waited and waited as midnight got near.

With their moods getting cranky and their backs getting stiff,

They learned Santa had fallen off the fiscal cliff.







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