Carolina at Atlanta, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • Van Halen reunited with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar for huge tours, only for all involved to remember belatedly they hate each other and decide that the payday wasn't worth it. Meanwhile, Guns N' Roses have reportedly turned down similar offers, on account of Axl Rose and Slash realizing being richer than Midas still wouldn't be worth the misery. Anyway, I know nothing about Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez's musical tastes, but I'd like to think he prefers GN'R to VH.
Denver at Oakland, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 2 • The Raiders owe soon-to-be-ex-Texans-interim coach Wade Phillips a beatdown. After he suggested Peyton Manning doesn't really own the single-season TD passes record, on account of the league allegedly telling him a Manning TD to Eric Decker vs. Houston shouldn't have counted, you know Manning will throw sixish TDs just to prove a point. Maybe Oakland can throw Nnamdi Asomugha out there one last time he's spent the last 3 years getting beat for TDs anyway.
San Francisco at Arizona, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • I'm shocked to see Arizona with 10 wins and in contention for a playoff spot. Especially with Carson Palmer as the quarterback, given that he commits a turnover about as often as Miley Cyrus pretends to hump something. Of course, the Cards' chances hinge upon them beating the Niners and the 4-11 Bucs beating the Saints. So I like them getting in about as much as I like the decision to show this game instead of Green Bay at Chicago.
The final down
Philadelphia at Dallas, 6:30 p.m., Ch. 5 • I won't even pretend to be objective. I'm an Eagles fan, and I couldn't loathe the Cowboys more if I were Stewart Copeland and they were Gordon Sumner (if you don't know, Al Gore invented the internet). And so I laugh at the Dallas fans who once skewered Tony Romo and now cry over him. Nothing can screw this up. Except maybe for my Washington-fan friend calling with good-luck wishes. If he spreads his team's stank onto my team …