• Married all of the time and everywhere.
• Married all of the time somewhere else, but not here.
• Married all of the time here, but not everywhere.
• Married here some of the time, but not today.
• Married according to the federal government, but not according to my state government.
• Married for the purposes of some benefits, but not for others.
• Married according to my employer, but not according to my landlord.
• Married according to my clergy, but not according to your clergy.
• Married according to my mayor, but not according to my senator.
• Married according to my sister, but not according to my brother-in-law.
That ought to cover just about every circumstance, especially here in Utah.
Insult to injury • Marion Cox has spent years trying to memorialize the Mormon pioneers who were his great-grandparents and were among the first residents of the Fort Union area, which now boasts a giant shopping center in Midvale.
When the Family Center retail and business complex was being built, he protested the removal of the historic home of Jehu and Sarah Cox, who immigrated to Utah in 1848.
After the house was moved, he lobbied to have statues of the trailblazaing couple erected on the site of the original home, a parcel retained by Salt Lake County, although the shopping center itself has been annexed into Midvale.
The County Council told him last fall that if he could raise $80,000 through donations for construction of the statues, he could have his memorial.
Cox is still working on that, but because of his tireless efforts, the 93-year-old retired carpenter eventually was named the honorary mayor of Fort Union by Midvale officials.
With that title, he applied to participate in Midvale's Harvest Days Parade last Saturday but was turned down. After some protests, Midvale officials relented and he rode in the procession atop his son's large tow truck.
While participating in the parade, his gold dodge van, which he had parked at a curb around the corner from the route, was smashed into by a hit-and-run driver.
Cost of the repairs: about $1,400.
99 bottles of beer on the wall • The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control (DABC) recently released a glowing report that boasted a $20 million increase in sales during the past fiscal year.
There was no data to indicate how much Utah politics played into the dramatic boost in booze consumption. But imagine how much more money will be taken in next year, now that the department is ensuring clerks ring up beer sales correctly.
Two audits of the DABC during the past three years found two problems in beer sales: Clerks sometimes would forget to hit the quantity key indicating six bottles of beer were being sold in a sixpack, so the sale would be registered as one bottle. And clerks were not noticing when different brands of beer were placed by the customer in one sixpack carton, meaning the more expensive beer was being charged at the carton's lower price.
A legislative auditor general's report in September 2012 recommended DABC develop a standard procedure for enhancing training for the use of the quantity key when selling beer.
At that time, the policy was changed to allow use of the quantity key only when scanning sealed cases. But customers complained about the delays caused by the laborious counting. So the policy was eased in 2013.
But a state auditor review in late 2013 recommended DABC revert to its previous policy of barring the use of the quantity key and instead scan each bottle separately despite the irritation of shoppers.
Who knows? If customers must wait longer, they might buy more booze.