The LDS Church started a radio station this week. The 24/7 service is accessible worldwide. Mormons will be able to tune in while attending BYU in Provo, dodging military patrols in Venezuela or herding goats in Kenya.
According to a church spokesman, the programming will be a bit on the subdued/dull side. I'm paraphrasing, of course. What he actually said is that it will feature choir music, firesides, conference addresses and potluck recipes.
I quickly put together a kicking proposal for real Mormon radio and ran it over to church headquarters. I pitched it to some guy who, truthfully, may have only been a janitor. Everyone wears a suit over there.
A few hours later, I allegedly received a phone call politely declining my proposal. The deal breaker was money. In general, there was no point in paying me to run the radio station when they could just call me on a mission.
"And there's no way that's happening again," he may or may not have said.
If you're interested in my proposal, here's a brief overview. I think you'll be surprised. Pleasantly or otherwise, it doesn't matter.
First, you can't have a real radio station without a lunatic morning drive duo. KLOB 108.1 "Potluck Radio" would feature the "Kirb & Erd" show.
Tuesday through Sunday at 6 a.m., Larry Erdmann and I would be calling the LDS faithful to morning devotionals with the Scripture of the Day, including verses like Jacob 1:12, Job 30:29, and even this little UDOT gem I found: 2 Kings 3:16.
Then we would get into the usual morning team nonsense: ranting about things we heard in church, the antics of celebrity Mormons, and useless food storage items. We might even make prank telephone calls.
Larry: "Elder Barnhole, this is President Pratt of the Missionary Committee. Listen, we're changing your mission call from Paris, France, to Rock Springs, Wyo."
Of course, there will be the usual contests and swag giveaways. "And to the 13th caller we've got a free Mr. Mac suit, or a Get Out of Excommunication Free card. Your choice."
No radio station is complete without a traffic report. "The Cramp Heights 4th Ward just let out and the boulevard is a drag strip, people. Pedestrians and cyclists exercise extreme caution. It's Fast Sunday."
Music? Definitely. KLOB 108's playlist would feature oldies like "Onward Christian Soldiers" along with harder spiritual stuff such as "Stairway to Heaven." Listeners could even phone our request line.
Caller: "Yes, would you please play some Jonas Brothers?"
Larry or me: "Get bent."
The talk portion of our show would include celebrity interviews with general authorities, polygamists, a couple of Osmonds, Satan and anyone else we could get.
Finally, and most importantly, we would have a daily fire index announcement, also known as the Second Coming Countdown.
If you like my plan better, please call church HQ and let them know. If they act like they don't know what you're talking about, ask to speak to the janitor.
Robert Kirby can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.