This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2009, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Apparently, I've been on a roll lately. It's time to clean out the mailbag.
The three-hour block
Occasionally, the subject of a column will be more inflammatory than anticipated. The faithful weren't terrible pleased with my suggestion of 74 minutes of church being more than enough.
"Since when do the faithful even pay attention to your stupid advice? The Lord sets our meeting times." T.B., e-mail.
"You will need much more church than that. You are not attending enough as it is." Y., e-mail.
"I can't stand the Morg [LDS church] and can't figure out why you go unless it's to keep your wife happy. Grow a backbone and write a real article." G., e-mail.
"Sixty minutes is plenty and less if it's testimony meeting." W.R., Sandy.
Blacks and the priesthood
The column about my crush on a black girl in high school brought out the hilariously stupid in some readers.
"The worst thing that ever happened to the church was giving those people the priesthood." Anonymous.
"Your bishop is a bigot and so are you and all Mormons who aren't Christians anyway." A., e-mail.
"Women, blacks, Jews, gays -- is there a group anywhere that Mormons haven't offended with your outdated cult teachings?" Anonymous.
"I married an African-American woman 28 years ago. All three of our sons served honorable [LDS] missions." Anonymous.
Atheists and the CTR ring crowd didn't like this column.
"I have killed at least two vampires with my CTR ring. For your information it stands for 'Catholics Totally Rock.' " G.E., e-mail.
"There is too much bloodshed in symbolism for religious purposes. Stop offending people with your signs." L., e-mail.
"Mormons don't believe in crosses. Are you even a Mormon? I don't believe you." C.U., e-mail.
Excommunication for the dead
Then there are the columns I'd bet would offend just about everyone but don't.
"Making money just for having dirty thoughts? I would be a zillionaire by now if that was even possible." G., e-mail.
"I am not addressing this to 'Brother Kirby.' With what you write about the church I don't feel that you are trying to be my brother." Anonymous.
"As if you could even do it. Grow up and get a life." H., e-mail.
"Money is tight right now. Would you just disfellowship my dead grandpa for 50 bucks?" Anonymous.
"This is one of the best ideas I ever heard. Please let me know if you actually get it started. I have a bunch of relatives I would like to see kicked out of the church. P.S. I am active Mormon." T.R., e-mail.
"Someone should excommunicate you." Anonymous.
Finally, the column on Mormon radio. This one was a definite hit.
"Please play Tony Orlando & Dawn. Not very many commercials, please." Y., e-mail.
"I would listen to KLOB if you and Larry played some Mormon hip-hop." B.B., e-mail.
"Is Larry Erdmann still a real person?" Anonymous.
Robert Kirby can be reached at email@example.com.