This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
There is an up-and-coming stand-up comic in Salt Lake City named Gretel Zoomey who so impressed the managers at Wiseguys Comedy Club during an open-mic evening that she was invited to open for professional Lisa Landry on June 15.
Gretel is 13 years old, and her inspiration is the Utah State Legislature. We may have a star in the making.
I'm a little reluctant to say too much about her because I fear it would cause the Legislature to pass a new law. And that's always scary.
But she shared her routine in an email, and I'll reveal a bit of it.
• "Now when you are 13, you start hearing lots of things about sex. You've probably heard about the Utah Legislature banning all sex education in schools, except for teaching about abstinence. I mean, really, have you ever seen those guys? One good look and who wouldn't want to practice abstinence."
• "The Legislature has convinced me that this state needs a new liquor law. No liquor for those guys. They think that safe sex is bad, guns at the U. of U. are good, and love four wheeling in fragile wilderness areas. Their judgment is already dangerously impaired."
• "I don't know if you've heard, these guys want everyone to have guns. Yeah, you can tell they never had a stepmother."
Gretel, whose real name is Zumwalt (Zoomey is her stage name), tells me she became interested in stand-up about a year ago. She started practicing at home, then did the open-mic at Wiseguys. She will be sharing the stage with Landry, a New Yorker who has appeared on "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," "The Bonnie Hunt Show" and in her own half-hour special on Comedy Central.
While Landry will do her show then be off for other gigs and television opportunities around the country, Gretel will prepare for her eighth-grade year at the McGillis School.
As she says in her routine, her mother is an attorney for Playboy and her stepmother is a Zen Buddhist.
"No wonder I'm complex."
From the mouths of babes • Lauren Crockett, 7, was telling her friends the other day that her dad, Mark, was going to be the next Salt Lake County mayor. Lauren's mom, Judy, decided she needed to get the child a little grounded by explaining it is not a sure thing. Crockett, after all, is in a Republican primary with West Valley City Mayor Mike Winder.
"You know, it's possible Daddy won't win," Judy told her daughter, who looked confused, her eyes filling with tears.
"How could that be?" asked Lauren.
"Well, remember that cooler on our porch they put the chocolate milk in? That's the same name as daddy's opponent," answered Judy.
Lauren still looked confused but suddenly realized the importance of the issue.
"If Daddy doesn't win, will we still be able to drink chocolate milk?"
Just a week off • The Utah Travel Council seemed to ratify Utah's reputation as a unique state several years ago with some pretty hilarious gaffes in its calendar promoting the Beehive State.
The 2002 calendar celebrated Easter in January and Labor Day in December.
The 1998 calendar celebrated Father's Day on June 14 instead of the correct June 21.
But since the Travel Council changed its name to the Utah Office of Tourism, there have been no calendar goofs, at least none that have been brought to my attention.
This year, according to the calendar, the summer solstice is on June 27 instead of June 20.
That might have something to do with Utah politicians' refusal to accept global warming.
One little apostrophe • In a full-page newspaper ad Friday, the Concordia Preparatory School said it "wishes to thank all it's generous supporters and donors for making our dream a reality."
Well, maybe they're good at math.