Is it time to extinguish the old college flame
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • In college, I had a pretty major crush on a schoolmate. She briefly shared my feelings, but after graduating and moving to different towns, it became clear she did not feel "that way" anymore.

I tried to have a "where do we stand" conversation. She got very angry that I still had feelings for her, and stopped speaking to me for three months. Then she resumed friendship mode, but we were not to discuss my feelings for her, or how she reacted to them. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was so grateful that she still wanted to be friends, I agreed.

Over the next near-decade, my crush fizzled out. I began to see that I'm just not that important to her. And, although she has many good qualities, I'm not among the people she shows those good qualities. Our contact dwindled to once a year or less. I moved on to other things.

Well, she is visiting my city and wants to hang out, acting as if we are long-lost best friends. I thought I had gotten over my feelings, but I'm incredibly angry with her for her long-ago behavior and dreading her visit.

Interacting with her makes me feel strangely disempowered — I've let her call the shots all along. Now I am supposed to jump for joy about how amazing it will be to "reconnect." "Reconnect what?" I want to ask.

Is the mature thing just to get over my hurt/anger (it's been YEARS), and enjoy this friendship? Or is it to listen to my gut, which is warning me that I always seem ready to ask, "How high?" when she says to jump?

Crushed

Dear Crushed • I can feel how gratifying it'll be to cancel.

That's the temptation you probably want to resist.

Probably. What you don't want is to perform for her, be it to show up to please her or blow her off to spite her, since she'll still own you then.

What you do want is to make this one choice fully and gloriously for you. Wanna go, or not? Imagine yourself free to do exactly what your heart needs, because that's exactly what you are.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.