Thoughtless comments weigh heavy on friend

Dear Carolyn • How should I respond when svelte friends pat their (small or nonexistent) bellies and announce they're dieting to get rid of their "belly pooch"?

I'm an average-size, 30-something woman with a normal post-baby-not-fat-but-certainly-not-flat tummy, and happy with myself the way I am. So not only is it annoying to have to listen to my smart, awesome gal pals hate on themselves, it's insulting: If they're calling themselves fat, they're calling me and others fat, too. How can I put a kibosh on the self-hate conversations?

Body Hate

Dear Body Hate • So many ways to approach this.

There's concern: "Why the self-hate? How 'bout we just not pick at our looks."

Humor: "Yes, good, I was going to say something."

The verbal forehead-flick: "Perhaps you should look at your audience before you call that thing a 'pooch.'"

Eye-rolling all of these into one: "Oh, brother."

And this, one of my favorites:

(No, that's not a mistake.)

And, there's the big picture: Are these smart, awesome people rife with self-doubt, or did you look so hard for smarts and awesomeness that you missed the vanity?

Whether any of these amounts to a "kibosh" is mostly up to your friends, but expressing yourself clearly on a matter of principle is almost as rewarding as a flat tummy. (Ka-chow.)

Dear Carolyn • I have a former client who I have just learned has mid-stage Alzheimer's. I worked for him and his extended family for over 20 years. We parted on friendly terms. I would love to see him and his family again, but I don't want to be an added burden on his wife. What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous • Send the wife a note or, even better given the ease of responding, an email. Such low-obligation contact is an emotional lifesaver for people dealing with a major illness. Plus, her response will likely tell you whether a visit would be a blessing or a chore.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.