Performing the fine art of mocking the Spurs
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San Antonio vs. Utah

The Page 2 staff is caught up in the furor that is the Jazz's glorious playoff run. Allow us to present our taunting . . . er . . . comparison of the fabulous state of Utah and its lowly, slovenly Southeastern NBA sibling, San Antonio, Texas:

Its river stinks.

Who are we to question Mark Cuban? The Mavericks met the Spurs in the playoffs last year and the Dallas owner called a spade a spade, saying the river was an "ugly-ass, muddy-watered thing."

Not to mention it's short. Utah's "muddy-watered thing," the Jordan River is far, far longer than San Antonio's River Walk. In fact, we should rename the Jordan River "River Hike" for this playoff series to make our point. Our stinky river is longer. Take that.

Ozzy was on to something.

Thanks to VH1, we're pretty well-versed in a 1982 incident at San Antonio's best claim to fame, The Alamo. Ozzy Osbourne was arrested at The Alamo for urinating on the famed fort.

Fortunately, Osbourne has never visited This is the Place State Park, or he might have sullied our state's heritage as well.

Instead, Utah's rock and roll infamy is limited to it being one of just two states that voted to keep Marilyn Manson from performing at state-owned venues. As if Manson would really want to play a concert in a liquor store.

So was "Full Metal Jacket."

Technically, the Page 2 staff probably isn't allowed to watch this movie in the state of Utah. It is, after all, rated R.

But who can forget the line:

"Only steers and queers come from Texas, private cowboy, and you don't much look like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down."

According to a Census estimate, Utah's population was 93.8 percent caucasian in 2005. But that stat doesn't tell the story of our diversity. Utah is home to many Canadians, English, Danes, Finnish, and Russians who make it far more diverse than Texas.

Texas beer is too strong.

Aren't you man enough (and woman enough) to handle our 3.2-percent alcohol beer? Do your poor, little, tiny, Texas-sized livers shrivel at the thought of drinking double the volume of beverage to achieve a desired effect? Anyone from Utah can drink anyone from Texas under the table (or under the card table, if you're in Texas).

D-E-M-O-C-R-A-T-S.

People in Texas actually vote for Democrats? What is it, communist China down there?

Did you know that just over one-third of Texas' national congressional delegation is tree-huggin', sandal-wearin', pot-smokin', Ann Richards-lovin', made up of Democrats?

We won't abide that behavior. Here in Utah, exactly one-third of our U.S. congressional representatives (one out of three) is a Democrat.

Real men eat Jell-O.

Barbecue is for wimps.

5.5 beer is for wimps and Texans

A, Macarena