This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2011, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints leader Warren Jeffs earlier in his trial threatened a Texas judge and prosecutors for infringing on his religious freedom — specifically his right to marry marginally pubescent girls.

On July 29, Jeffs, who fired his attorneys to represent himself, opted for the bold legal move of a pre-emptive closing argument. He told Judge Barbara Walther that God would cause her to get sick and die if she didn't let him go.

"Verily, thus sayeth the Lord," Jeffs prophesied. "Boils shall afflict thy nether regions, locusts thy nose, and split ends thy hair. All thy PIN numbers shall be revealed. Thou shalt lose thy favorite pair of shoes. Amen."

I am, of course, paraphrasing Jeffs. It's OK, because I'm a newspaper columnist. Also, nothing I make up could be any weirder than what he actually said.

Walther did not let Jeffs go. Instead, she ordered his microphone turned off. All that's left now is to wait and see if anything bad happens to her or anyone else with the audacity to cross Jeffs. Including me.

If God does curse anyone for treating Jeffs poorly, it's only fair that I get it. After all, I'm deliberately derisive of him personally and his beliefs in general.

In fact, I feel strongly enough about it that I'm consciously willing to tempt my fate with all that boils and locust stuff. But if the Lord does curse me, rest assured it will be for other stuff I did.

Conversely, Walther and the prosecutors are just doing their jobs, part of which is to ensure that any wiggle-headed claim of religious freedom doesn't include sex with children.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to deeply or even overly religious people. Lots of stuff people once considered sacred religious obligations are in fact now against the law.

For example, we don't get to burn witches anymore regardless of how much we think God approves of it. Likewise, it's seriously against the law to throw virgins into volcanoes, bury people alive or cut out their hearts to lubricate the sun.

As if all that wasn't repressive enough, you can't even discriminate against ethnic groups now. Hell, it's illegal now to kill a goat in an effort to divine the future from its entrails.

The fact that something seems strange doesn't mean it should be illegal. Most religions advocate things that seem odd or even bizarre to outsiders.

The big question about religious freedom is how far you get to go with your version of sacred before it becomes the unsacred business of horrible unbelievers such as Walther and me.

Sex with children is one. So are shooting at cops, defrauding the welfare system, abusing animals, blowing things up, mistreating the mentally impaired (not counting yourself, of course), thievery, rape, genocide, etc. It's a big list.

Jeffs isn't the only one who can prophesy bad stuff happening to the evil minded. Even spiritually dim people can do it. For example, I prophesy that he is going to spend a long time, if not the rest of his life, in a Texas slam.

Verily. Amen. Whatever.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/notpatbagley.