This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2006, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Tom Barberi, the self-described "Voice of Reason" from noon to 2 p.m. on 97.5 FM radio, had special gifts delivered to the desks of Utah's lawmakers to welcome them to the first day of the 2006 legislative session today.

Each legislator will receive an empty bottle of Wasatch Brewery's latest product, "Evolution Ale," which, of course, pokes fun at the proposed "intelligent design" legislation.

So in that spirit, here is a list of possible bills that will never pass the Utah State Legislature:

* A resolution urging the U.S. to stay in the United Nations.

* A resolution recognizing the initiatives Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson has taken to protect the environment.

* A budget adjustment to ensure all public school teachers in Utah make a livable wage.

* An incremental income tax adjustment so people making $12,000 a year don't pay the same rate as people making $200,000 a year.

* A hate crimes bill that includes gay people as a protected class.

* A bill specifically making it illegal to have sex with animals on the farm. (Former Rep. Frank Pignanelli sponsored such a bill several years ago and the House soundly defeated it. One legislator commented that Pignanelli just doesn't understand the pressures on ranchers in rural Utah).

* A legislative and congressional redistricting bill that gives the 160,000 people in Salt Lake City the same level of political clout as the 150 people who live in Loa.

* A bill that bans legislators from accepting any gifts from lobbyists, including Jazz tickets and speed dates.

* A bill requiring those who put most of the burden on public schools by having six or more children to actually help pay for the cost of public education.

* A bill banning junk food in public schools.

* A resolution praising the National Park Service for its stellar management of the Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument.

* Turning the redistricting process over to an independent, nonpartisan commission.

* A bill requiring condom dispensers in the restrooms of public universities.

* A bill allowing high school sex education teachers to actually lead discussions on how to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

* A smoking ban in all bars and private clubs (as long as lobbyists for tobacco companies continue to give campaign cash, provide Jazz tickets and arrange for free trips to Taiwan for legislators).

* A state subsidy to help Union Pacific redesign its railroad configuration on Salt Lake City's west side so it can close the rail line through a residential neighborhood in the city (until a loyal Republican is elected mayor of Salt Lake City).

* A bill allowing colleges and universities other than BYU the option of banning guns on campus.

* A bill making it illegal to keep a tank in one's backyard even if the tank's owner has a concealed weapons permit.

* A resolution to change the name of "intelligent design" to "unintelligent design" when the concept is taught in private schools benefitting from tuition tax credits and not normally encumbered by the same rules that public schools have.

* A bill making it illegal to give exemptions from tickets to legislators who break the speed limit during the legislative session.