This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

I have no idea how I would react if ever I came face to face with Bigfoot in some gloomy forest setting. A lot would depend on how nervous I was already.

Hopefully, my first reaction would be to confuse the hulking form with Larry Erdman, as in, "Larry, is that you?"

This precaution stems from a night inside a tent in Montana with Killer and Larry. Somehow, Larry and I rolled near each during the night.

I came awake slowly. Judging from the smell and noise, I thought a bear had crawled into the tent and was attempting to have its way with me. Larry and I screamed so loud that Killer woke in a panic and almost shot us both.

As you can see, it's important to keep your cool when coming into contact with the mysterious and potentially lethal unknown. I've seen enough creature movies to know that you don't want to do the wrong thing.

The problem lies in whatever the wrong thing might be. Perhaps the enormous drooling fang toad is set off by the sound of someone simply evacuating their bowels in terror. We just don't know.

What we do know is there are a lot of dangerous creatures in the woods, lakes and mountains of this state, including the Escalante canyon eel, Bear Lake monster, Delta devil, Rat boy of Richfield, Tavaputs vampire cow and the elusive Mauling Missionary of BYU.

The only reason I bring these up right now (other than to make you nervous) is because of a video recently released of a possible Bigfoot sighting in Payson Canyon last spring.

The third-party video was released to the media by a man I shall call "Harold Baltazar Polenski de Mungwort Jr."

Seriously, don't you just hate it when the media protects someone's identity by referring to them as "John" or "Mary" or some other simpleminded alias?

Anyway, Harold Baltazar Polenski de Mungwort Jr. released the video showing something large and hairy wandering through the trees on a mountainside in Payson Canyon. See for yourself: bit.ly/PaysonBigfoot

I watched the video twice and didn't see anything that immediately brought to mind Bigfoot. It looked more like a hungover Sonny with his shirt off. But that's just me.

Pictures and film clips of these camera-shy creatures are always grainy and slightly out of focus. We could write this poor camera work off to fright.

And no one ever tries to chase the thing down for a better picture. Yeah, it might eat you, but at least then we'd have a better picture of what did it. You'd think someone out there would be brave enough to give their life for science.

I think it best that we apply all our powers of deductive reason to these mysterious creatures and behave accordingly.

Don't let your imagination get the better of you. Always remember to let someone know where you are. And never go into the woods alone without a machine gun. Oh, and wear a diaper.

This, of course, assumes that you believe in the shambling horrors that supposedly lurk in the isolated fields, forests and deserts of Utah. I don't.

When it comes to scary #$%@!, I'm a lot more terrified of the ones that attack in public and in broad daylight, things like — spooky music here — the Utah Legislature. I'll bet that gave you a chill.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.