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The title of "The Nutcracker in 3D" is not technically false advertising, because the movie is presented in 3D and it does feature a nutcracker as a major character.
But anyone thinking this confused mix of Tchaikovsky music, muddled acting and cheap computer animation is anything like the beloved Christmas ballet can be forgiven if they think they've been duped.
It's Vienna in the 1920s, or something similar to it, and young Mary (Elle Fanning) is sad that her parents (Richard E. Grant and Yulia Visotskaya) are leaving her and her bratty brother Max (Aaron Michael Drozin) alone on Christmas Eve. But at least their favorite uncle, Albert Einstein — yes, that Albert Einstein (played by Nathan Lane) — is babysitting.
Uncle Albert brings two gifts: An ornate dollhouse filled with whimsical mechanical figures, and a princely nutcracker. Mary instantly falls in love with the nutcracker doll, and that love is powerful enough to bring the nutcracker to life (with the voice of Shirley Henderson, "Harry Potter's" Moaning Myrtle).
So far, this doesn't sound too different than most "Nutcracker" versions you've seen. Then things take a sharp turn toward the disturbing.
N.C., as the nutcracker prefers to be called, tells Mary that he is a prince under a magic spell cast by the evil Rat Queen (Frances de la Tour, who also plays the kids' alcoholic nanny). The Queen's son, the Rat King (John Turturro), and his rat armies — who look distressingly like Nazi soldiers — have taken over the prince's city. They are blotting out the sun with a never-ending smoke cloud produced by incinerating all the children's toys.
What's more, director Andrei Konchalovsky (whose Hollywood career peaked in the 1980s with "Runaway Train" and "Tango & Cash") has decided that he wants a "Nutcracker" without any ballet — and he reworks the familiar Tchaikovsky melodies into cloying and forgettable musical numbers with lyrics by Tim Rice ("Evita," "Jesus Christ Superstar").
Konchalovsky allows his actors to ham things up severely. Turturro, with his Warholian wig and Dr. Evil-style Nehru jacket, mugs for the camera frequently. And Lane's Einstein is the only person in Vienna who speaks with a Germanic accent.
The computer graphics are bargain-basement at best, and their interaction with the live-action Mary is clunky. To top it off, the 3D conversion is cheaply applied, serving only to make a fairly dark movie even murkier.
It's not uncommon for holiday movies to have grim, foreboding themes (what are "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Carol" if not elaborate and much-beloved variations of "Twilight Zone" episodes), but the vague allegories to Nazi oppression here are too much.
"The Nutcracker in 3D" is the biggest lump of coal you're likely to find in a movie theater.
The Nutcracker in 3D
zero stars
This dreary, dismal and dance-free variation of the classic holiday story should be avoided at all costs.
Where • Area theaters
When • Now open
Rating • PG for thematic material, scary images, action and brief smoking
Running time • 108 minutes