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I apologize, fellow TV viewers, but I'm breaking a promise. After being underwhelmed and vexed by the first four hours of "Twin Peaks: The Return," I wrote that I would continue to watch it because it's my job.
Four episodes later, I'm out. I can't take it anymore.
I hate "Twin Peaks" (Sundays, 9 p.m., Showtime) with a passion. I absolutely detest it. Trying to get through it angers and frustrates me. Puts me in a terrible mood.
Did I mention that I loathe "Twin Peaks"?
The thing is, I was a fan when the show premiered back in 1990. I wrote glowingly about it. Then Season 2 arrived and proved to be, well, horrendous. Atmosphere and mood are great, but there were episodes in which nothing happened. It was clear that executive producers David Lynch and Mark Frost had no plan and no idea what they were doing.
So, yes, I wrote glowingly of ABC's decision to cancel it in 1991. And I was skeptical of Showtime's revival. My expectations were extremely low, and yet Lynch and Frost still managed to disappoint.
The most recent episode was filled with weird images that delighted some viewers. That's great for them. And for Lynch, who got to make a show without the pesky annoyance of making sense.
If you're waiting for "The Return" to give you answers, look back at Season 2 and the incomprehensible 1992 movie "Fire Walk With Me."
At some point, I half expect that Frost and Lynch will laugh, tell us it was an elaborate joke and mock all who took it seriously.
I'm a fan of TV that breaks the rules. But for me, there are minimum requirements for coherence. And "Twin Peaks" is self-indulgently messing with viewers.
To me, "The Return" is tedium interrupted by occasional bouts of senseless violence. I am SO bored.
I don't think all narratives have to make complete sense, or that viewers need to be spoon-fed all the answers. Some of my favorite shows have left us wondering.
It's not that I don't know what's happening in "Twin Peaks," it's that I don't care.
Some reviews compare "Twin Peaks" to an art film, and I agree. But most people don't like art films. That's why they're art films.
There's a reason Lynch has never directed a big, hit movie. He's a specific taste.
Only about half a million viewers tuned in to the premiere of "The Return"; that has declined to fewer than 200,000 some weeks. Showtime doesn't care about ratings, it cares about subscribers. But this can't be helping much to sell the service.
And, honestly, the fact that most of you aren't watching gives me the courage to quit watching myself. For which I thank you.
If you're a Showtime subscriber who likes "Twin Peaks," I'm genuinely happy for you. Keep watching. We don't all have to like the same shows. If we did, there'd only be one channel and I'd have to get another job.
But as far as "Twin Peaks" is concerned, my job is done.
Scott D. Pierce covers TV for The Salt Lake Tribune. Email him at email@example.com; follow him on Twitter @ScottDPierce.