Lesbian parents of two boys claim gay pride, family pride

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Their household includes two parents and two sons, but they're rarely considered a family.

When Kim and Ruth Hackford-Peer visited a public recreation center, they were not allowed to buy a family pass. When they take their sons to pose for a family photo or visit the doctor's office, people call them sisters. And when they hold hands walking down the street, strangers stare in disapproval.

"There's just not an acknowledgement that we're a family," says Kim, who's been with Ruth for 10 years.

But once a year, Kim and Ruth look forward to their "favorite holiday" - the Utah Pride Festival, an annual four-day event better known in the gay community as Pride.

Here, Kim and Ruth don't have to be prepared to defend their family from adults who mumble rude comments. They don't have to tell people that they are lesbians and not best friends. They don't have to worry about their sons - 5-year-old Riley and 1-year-old Casey - being ridiculed for having two mommies.

If for only a few days during Pride, they are recognized as a family.

"It's celebrating our relationship, our family, our existence," Kim says, playing with her boys in their east side Salt Lake County home.

Ruth, a 33 year-old educator, describes Pride as an event where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender (GLBT) people can be "open" and don't have to feel ashamed of their lifestyle.

"It's about loving myself and who I am," she says. "It's about GLBT people celebrating the joys of being a queer person."

Pride is also turning into an annual tradition for gay families as the event organizes more kid-friendly activities, say gay parents.

Pride started in 1969 as a protest against discrimination and violence against gays in New York City, and today there are Pride festivals in cities worldwide, according to the Web site gaylife.about.com.

The first Pride event in Utah was celebrated in 1983, organizers say.

About three years ago, Salt Lake City Pride organizers started putting together a section for kids 12 and under. This year, the "Kids' Circus" is being organized by the Gay and Lesbian Parents of Utah, a social and support group started about seven years ago.

Trista Emmer, the gay parents group's coordinator, says the Kids' Circus is important because it's a way to make kids feel included. It also gives gay families a place to be together in a safe, county-fair-like environment.

"These kids might not be GLBT but they're part of our community," says Emmer, a 32-year-old secretary. "As part of our community, they deserve to be recognized at Pride."

Pride is also one of the few public events where Emmer and her partner of six years, Kristin Midyett, aren't afraid of how someone is going to treat them in front of their 21-month-old daughter, Julia.

"There's not a lot out there that represents our family in any kind of positive light," she says. "Going to Pride is our way of reinforcing our family and the joy of being in our family."

Yet Pride only comes around once a year.

Emmer and the Hackford-Peer say they wish they and their children could be accepted throughout the year as a traditional family, led by two parents who love each other.

For Kim and Ruth Hackford-Peer, it wasn't easy to live the life they secretly desired but thought would be shameful, wrong and disgusting. Both came from homes with parents who are still together and have been married for decades.

Growing up, they heard the gay jokes. They thought gay people got diseases or would go to hell. Kim recalls hearing homphobic slurs in seventh grade. And a church leader told Ruth, if she wanted to be happy, she should get a husband.

"It wasn't an option," says Ruth, a native of the small town of Roosevelt. "My mom held a belief - it wasn't natural."

But after years of dating guys, Ruth came out while she was a senior at Utah State University. Later, in August 1996, Ruth met Kim at Colorado State University.

Kim, a Colorado native, had a long-term boyfriend, so she and Ruth were only friends. They hung out most nights drinking Milky Way Mochas and playing cards. They had long phone conversations about education and childhood stories. They went on walks and held hands.

A few months later, they shared a kiss and realized they both wanted more. Kim broke up with her boyfriend.

"I thought if this feels right, how can it be wrong? I was happy like I'd never been before," Kim says. "Everything about Ruthy, it was just right - everything just felt better."

In December 1997, the couple had a commitment ceremony at a hotel in Salt Lake City before they started living together and relocated to Minnesota. A year later, they moved to Massachusetts to attend graduate school.

That's when, after much debate about the challenges of raising kids as gay parents, they decided to have a child though a sperm donor. Ruth carried their first born, Riley. And under Massachusetts state adoption law, Kim and Ruth's names are on Riley's birth certificate.

A few years later, Ruth carried another son, Casey, when the couple returned to Utah. But because of state law, Kim is not legally considered Casey's parent.

"The biological thing doesn't matter - these are my boys," says Kim, a doctorate student.

It doesn't seem to matter to Riley that he has two mommies. He calls one "Mommy Ruth" and the other "mama."

The family eats dinner together most nights. They take "duck walks" around their neighborhood, counting the ducks and geese they see. They work on family projects, such as building spaceships from cardboard boxes.

And they go to Pride each year - like they have been doing since 1999. Riley likes riding in the parade, eating snow cones and getting his face painted.

"It's our day - it's like a break from any other day," Kim says.

jsanchez@sltrib.com