This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Still no call — phone or otherwise — regarding me being considered for a place in the LDS Quorum of the Twelve. I'm not surprised. Such a calling requires dignity and maturity, of which I have none.

But it's not over yet. With two current vacancies in the Quorum — and the possibility of a third before General Conference in October — there's still a chance that my phone will ring. Especially if the church is looking to diversify.

Currently, the Twelve are older, male and white. And I don't mean just Caucasian — I mean like Osmond-singing-family white. It's all Blowfish and no Hootie. But the Mormon color ratio is changing. Won't be long before it's mostly Hooties.

A change-up in Mormon apostles, while hoped for by some members, depends on what the Brethren would consider real diversification. It doesn't have to be racial.

Although I'm male, a member and mostly white (except for some scars and a tattoo), I would certainly bring diversification to the Quorum. When it comes to church, you can't get more diversified than me.

There are a lot of qualities I don't possess. Prior to being called as apostles, the other Brethren made names for themselves in widely respected fields of finance, science, teaching, law, medicine, etc.

I've been a rat catcher, janitor, carpenter, cop and journalist. To my knowledge, no LDS apostle has ever been employed full-time in these professions, much less made a name for himself in any of them.

Pity, actually. I don't know about you, but I'd rather enjoy a conference talk from a retired 30-year street cop.

Elder John "Blitz" Kreeg, Quorum of the Twelve: "In closing, I testify to the importance of the Lord's work. Now get busy doing it or we'll kick your ass."

I'm betting none of the other Brethren have ever been arrested, almost flunked out of high school, suffered from ADHD, and/or been so drunk they woke up stark-naked in another state.

I don't do those things now, of course. I've cleaned up my behavior some. Today, I only cuss more than I should, make irreverent observations in church, bait the overly pious and blow $#!* up.

On the plus side, there are no current warrants for my arrest, no pending lawsuits, I've never been divorced, and the last fight I got into was months ago and was technically Sonny's fault.

Finally, I already have four neckties, a pair of shoes capable of holding a shine, and a suit — but I'll have to lose weight to get back into it. Becoming an apostle requires serious preparation.

The most difficult part of becoming an apostle would be shaving off my mustache. In case you haven't noticed, LDS apostles, despite being men, collectively sport less facial hair than Scarlett Johansson. Even at my best, I still represent serious diversity.

Not to worry. Even clean shaven — which won't happen — the chances of me being called are in the minus. Ozzy Osbourne stands a better chance of becoming a member of the Quorum of the Twelve. So does Homer Simpson.

But I'm not letting my guard down just yet. You shouldn't either. A mere cursory examination of scripture will tell you that God has his own ideas about diversification. And he's done far crazier things than making an uncouth lout an apostle.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.

comments powered by Disqus