This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

The Republican debates are costing me valuable sleep time. When I climbed into bed Tuesday night, my wife was already watching Donald Trump blather and Ben Carson testify.

Thirty seconds was more than enough for me. I had to slap on some headphones, crank up Metallica, and watch video clips of a $20,000 GBU-12 Paveway taking out an ISIS latrine just to calm myself to the point of drowsiness.

Note: Setting aside the question of cost effectiveness, there's little more soothing to me than imagining the look on a terrorist's face the microsecond he realizes that his irregularity is no longer a concern.

Back to the debates. My wife and I are not on the same political frequency. She's quite conservative about deficit spending, religious freedom and government accountability.

Her husband, on the other hand, is much more liberal about everything. For example, I fully support prolific and wanton spending on social programs that benefit me personally.

But when I say "liberal," it doesn't mean that I lean far to the left. I dislike both sides equally. They've each had their turn directing the American political scene, and our problems just seem to be getting worse.

Back to liberal. I liberally endorse use of leg-hold traps on door-to-door solicitors. The Utah Legislature would be less problematic were Sonny and I to liberally deliver at 576 mph frozen turkeys to/at them during the next session. We would even pay for the gunpowder and turkeys. We're liberal like that.

Whatever else these national political debates might be intended to accomplish, one thing is certain: Almost none of what the candidates promise would ever actually happen.

If elected, they'll conveniently forget what they said, or Congress won't let them do it, or they won't be able to raise taxes enough to pay for it. Eventually they'll leave office and spend the rest of their lives telling everyone what a great job they did.

We could improve our national lot if we simply held the right kind of debates. That's right. No more of this claiming "I'm the best person for the job" crap. What we need are more effective debates.

First, you would have to agree to give me complete control of setting up the debate format. No more blithering moderators, especially pricey journalists who outplay even the candidates when it comes to being impressed with their own opinions.

At my debate, the candidates, whose presence shall be mandatory, will file onto the stage in orange jumpsuits and wearing ball gags. In front of them will be a large crystal bowl filled with slips of paper.

Candidates will approach the bowl in turn and select one of the slips of paper before returning to the stage. This is where we find out how serious they are about follow-through.

The slips of paper are handed to the moderator (me) who reads them out loud.

"Have your nose and ears removed with a bench grinder if you fail to fix Social Security."

"Cut the national deficit in half or clutch a rock scorpion between your hams for the rest of your life."

"End our dependence on fossil fuel or have Rosie O'Donnell jump-rope on top of you every day while wearing golf shoes."

"Fix welfare or have your tongue permanently stapled to the handle of a bag lady's shopping cart."

The candidates would then have 10 seconds to decide whether to abide by the measure, or permanently drop out of the race and never run for public office again.

It wouldn't be long before we found our president.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.