Dear Friend • She needs to stop smoking, yes. She also knows she needs to stop smoking, has cut back on her smoking, presumably has a doctor or midwife to guide her ongoing effort to stop smoking, and gets so rattled when people bring up her smoking that she possibly smokes more.
So, what's your role here? None, unless backing off counts.
Re: Friend • Unless you're talking about telling her how proud you are of her progress, acknowledging how hard it is to get over an addiction, and offering help when she gets the urge by going out for a walk with her or offering other distractions?
Dear Anonymous • Those work for me, thanks, but only if they work for the smoker. Trying them must include careful attention to how they go over specifically, to whether she sees these efforts as patronizing, as veiled pressure or as triggers for wanting a smoke.
Dear Carolyn • Do some research on smoking-cessation programs geared toward pregnant women and share the results with your friend.
Dear Anonymous 2 • Ack, no, please don't. Smoking is bad for a fetus, but it doesn't render an adult woman incompetent. She can look into programs herself. First rule of help, don't provide any that people haven't requested and/or they can easily tend to themselves.
Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.