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Rap Sheet: Schwarzenegger's crimes in 'Jingle All the Way'

Published December 16, 2013 8:24 am
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Disclaimer: The should not be taken as any form of legal counsel or guidance; there may be errors in interpretation of the law and there may be crimes and violations missing from this list. I am not an officer or an attorney; I am a movie fan with a blog.

Here at The Salt Lake Tribune's crime blog, I tally the crimes characters commit and evaluate what potential sentence they could serve for them. Now that it's December, the Rap Sheet takes on one Christmas movie after another — and after taking on Hans Gruber in "Die Hard" and Buddy in "Elf," we turn our attention to another contender for the naughty list: Arnold Schwarzenegger's desperate dad, Harold Langston, in "Jingle All the Way."

Langston's passion in hunting down a Turbo-Man action figure for his son on Christmas Eve is matched only by his wanton disregard for the law to get it. Rival father Myron Larabee, played by Sinbad, gives Langston a run for his money (and, you know, for a toy) in terms of the severity of his criminal behavior — like threatening the police with an alleged bomb. But for the sake of this blog, we'll keep the focus on the dad who threatened to beat a disc jockey, burglarized his neighbor's home and abused a child.

Failure to maintain a lane and speeding • To try to beat traffic, Langston drives in the shoulder and gets a speeding ticket.

Two counts of assault • Langston assaults and intimidates two toy store clerks while trying to find the Turbo-Man action figure.

Assault • Langston assaults Larabee with a remote control car.

Jaywalking • Langston walks into and through traffic outside the store.

Vandalism • Langston tears apart a store's Turbo-Man cardboard stand-up in a fit of rage.

Criminal mischief • Langston breaks a side mirror off of a police officer's patrol bike.

Child abuse • Langston grabs a small child by the face in an attempt to get a lottery ball back.

Assault • Langston hits a (fake) Santa Claus.

Impersonating an officer • Langston pretends to be a police detective to get away from a police raid on a warehouse.

Assault • Langston attacks Larabee with a pay-phone receiver and knocks him repeatedly against a diner table.

Criminal mischief • Langston kicks in and shatters a door at the radio station.

Tampering with mail • Langston opens a package that is not addressed to him.

Attempted assault • Langston tries to punch the disc jockey at the radio station.

Fleeing • Langston runs from the police after they try to stop him at the radio station.

Burglary • Langston breaks into his neighbor Ted's house to steal his son's Turbo-Man action figure.

Criminal mischief • Langston breaks Ted's window with a flaming Wise Man head.

Fleeing • Langston again runs from the police after knocking over an officer at the holiday parade.

Turbo-Man action figure aside, what Langston's son really wanted for Christmas was for his father to be around and attentive. Sorry kid. The police were hauling Larabee off to jail at the end of the movie, but Langston should not be far behind. For his 18 crimes, Langston could be looking at a potential 27 years of incarceration.

— Michael McFall






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