"I'm gonna man up and I'm gonna have the man talk," the former Utahn says, then jokingly asking if he "needs to clean my gun while I talk to them."
This is already weird. It's awkward for any teenage boy to have a chat like this with his girlfriend's father, let alone when her father has four wives.
Would you take love and sex advice from that guy?
"Here's my biggest concern," Kody tells the kids. "I am very well aware of how the heart works at 17 and 18 versus at 25. And what we want to prevent, as parents, is the danger zones. Kissing. Holding hands. That all leads to broken hearts."
Speaking to the camera, Kody says that getting too close and too physical "leads to break-ups. So I want to say, 'Hey listen. Have a friendship.'"
Then it gets REALLY weird.
"When you kiss - the person that you kiss, their hormones go into your mouth and it registers certain things that will stimulate both the heart and the body for other reasons," Kody says.
To his credit, young John doesn't laugh.
Again speaking to the camera, Kody tries to use science to explain his lecture.
"You know what? I've read enough science on it to feel like science backs me," he says. "I think kissing is very dangerous. Chemical reactions happen when your bodies touch each other."
Apparently, he's had at least four such chemical reactions.