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Author's note • If you want an NFL preview with stats, analysis and facts … there are about 3 gazillion places for that. If you'd like an oddball perspective (mixed with pop culture references) on this weekend's four broadcast TV games in the Salt Lake City market, this is just the thing for you.
First down
Panthers at Packers, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • If I could be serious for a minute … Here is some legitimate, straightforward, very serious, professional football analysis. Very serious. This game figures to be a high-scoring shootout. Aaron Rodgers is second in the league in QB rating, Jordy Nelson leads all receivers in catches and yards, Randall Cobb leads all receivers in TDs — and Carolina's defense has allowed four plays of 20-plus yards in EACH of its last three games. Conversely, Cam Newton just rushed for 107 yards last week, and the Packers' D is last in the league against the run, yielding 154.5 yards per game and struggling especially against the read-option. So you can … You know what? This is borrrrrrring. I just can't do it. Here is some illegitimate, circuitous, very nonserious, unprofessional advice for the defenses. You wanna slow some people down? Maybe twist some ankles. I hear that's Vontaze Burfict's preferred strategy.
Second down
Chiefs at Chargers, 2 p.m., Ch. 2 • So K.C. already has as many losses in five games this season as it did all of last season? But how can that be? The defense can't be the problem, right? It's got the comically underrated Justin Houston and the ever-productive Tamba Hali leading the way. But it also can't be the offense either, right? After all, Andy Reid's a certifiable genius, right? Of course! Except, just maybe, for the fact that he's giving Jamaal Charles — one of the league's top running backs and Kansas City's top offensive player by a mile — only 10 carries a game. Hmmmm. That seems strange. I mean, it's not like Andy Reid has a history of extreme overreliance upon a passing game led by a non-elite quarterback or anything. No matter what all those disgruntled Eagles fans say, it's not like Chiefs fans are jumping on that bandwagon. Well, whatever. I'm sure he'll get it figured out. If there's one thing we can count on, it's Andy Reid making sound football decisions.
Third down
Giants at Cowboys, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • Do you know what to expect from the Giants, at this point? Because I sure don't. Blown out by the Lions, worked over by the Cardinals — OK, they suck, right? Except that then they handed the Texans their first loss, played Mike Tyson to Washington's Peter McNeeley, then took down the Falcons to get back abover .500. OK, impressive three-game win streak — maybe they needed time to adjust to their new offensive coordinator? Maybe they're pretty good? Except, you know, for Eagles 27, Giants 0. So … what are they? Who are they? The G-Men seem to switch personalities more often than Sybil. Can we at least expect them to get whipped by the 5-1 Cowboys? Sure, why not? Until they come out looking like the '85 Bears, anyway. Like I said, who knows? If Tom Coughlin can't figure it out, why the hell should I be expected to?
Fourth down
49ers at Broncos, 6:20 p.m., Ch. 5 • Ooooooooohhhhhh … it's another one of those really-good-offense-vs.-really-good-defense showdowns that everyone loves and that always turn out to be so competitive. Like in Super Bowl XXXVII. And like in Super Bowl XLVIII. Then again, who knows? Maybe this one will turn out to be better. After all, the Niners' defense, while still good, ain't what it used to be. No NaVorro Bowman, no Aldon Smith, maybe no Patrick Willis. And it's not like they've been lights out against the likes of Austin Davis — or whoever he is. You know what? I'm sure this is the time offense finally dominates defense. Peyton Manning always comes up clutch, after all. He'll throw for, like, 506 touchdowns (at least) and tell that former Cinemax After Dark wannabe Brett Favre to take his record and stick it. What could possibly go wrong?
Twitter: @esotericwalden